This was written by a very dear friend a few years ago:
MUSLIM SUPPLIES CATALOGUE
We have produced a selection of innovative items for the benefit of our brothers, sisters and wallets…
1) PORTABLE LOTAH How many times have you been sitting on the throne, in some obscure filthy toilet, Well, worry no more. This portable lotah, using the wonders of Halal nanotechnology, is small enough to fit in your wallet, yet, well fully inflated, has the capacity of a 18 wheel oil tanker. Available with optional power jet hose water cannon attachment. Warning: death or injury may result if used in a confined space, such as a toilet.
2) INFLATABLE MASJID Travelling? Time for Jamat, but no where in sight? Raining? Here is the answer. While easily fitting into the boot of most cars, this will inflate to an exact rubber replica of Regents’ Park Masjid, complete with Baker Street tube station and an old man who burps during rukuh. Not for use as a bouncy castle.
3) WUDU ALARM Sometimes you get the feeling you’ve got wudu, but just aren’t sure. Now, here’s the perfect solution: a portable wudu alarm. No bigger than a pager, this will emit a piercing tone audible for 3 miles whenever an emission is detected which may indicate loss of wudu. We cannot be held responsible for any acute embarrassment caused by the use of this device.
4) FITNA DETECTOR We are all human, and all men, most of us unmarried. Thus, any fitna must be avoided, but it seems that in this country, this is hard to do. This fitna detector will indicate the presence of any beautiful women in the vicinity, and will automatically utter “Astaghfirullah” and point in the direction of the fitna. We cannot be held responsible for any abuse of this device as a means of hunting out beautiful women. Even if you’re not married.
5) ELECTRONIC FATWA-GIVER Ever need an instant judgement on an Islamic issue, with no scholar in sight? Want to win arguments? Settle issues there and then? Well, just type in your request and this fatwa giver will use its extensive library of idle talk and make an instant judgement, using top of the range speaking clock technology. Note that the judgements are in no way intended to be Islamic.
6) CLIP ON BEARD All your brothers have facial hair, but you don’t. I know the feeling. Believe me, I do. Most fake beards, available from mainstream stores, simply do not appear Islamic, and, indeed, those that do usually have a plastic clip on nose and spectacles attached, making you appear idiotic. However, these beards are custom made to suit everyone, and are even trimmed to the length of the user’s fist.
7) Bleeppppp …. Censured ..
11) BEGINNER’S FUNDO KIT Consists of one danda (a large wooden stick for beating children), and sixty four sets of tasbi. Now you’re a REAL Muslim.
12) DATE STONES Grow your own date palm, in time for next Ramadhan. No longer will you have to waste thousands of pounds on dates for iftaar, just pop into your back garden.